If I
would have stayed out on my mission, I would have come home two days ago. Three
days ago I was able to report to the high council (the people in charge of the
whole area) and say that I completed a full mission.
I felt like I needed to share how I managed to make peace with my early homecoming, which was without doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to serve a mission. When the announcement was made I had just barely turned 19 and I started my papers that day and finished them within the week. I reported to the Missionary Training Center in January and everyone told me that missions were supposed to be ridiculously hard, but rewarding. For me it had brief hard moments, but about 90% of the time I found it the easiest, most natural thing to do. I LOVED my mission more than just about anything. Last September, after weeks of collapsing and being hospitalized without any progress made on what was causing the debilitating pain, my beloved mission president, President Bowen, spoke with me and my parents and we all decided that I should consider going home. He didn't leave much choice up to me because I had been irresponsible with past choices and had forced myself onward and refused to tell people about the pain so that I could stay out on my mission. One of the sisters that I respected most spoke to me and told me that I needed to address the little nagging voice in the back of my head and get healed up so that I could someday play with my future children.
That hit me incredibly hard. I realized that I could be stupidly selfish and destroy my body by ignoring the pain, or I could figure it out and have more of a chance that I could be there fully for my children someday. I let down my wall of pride and prayed about it and knew that I was supposed to come home. I was sent home on my birthday and, at the airport where many are greeted by flowers and signs, I was greeted only by my beautiful mother and we cried and cried. I would continue to feel bad for myself, especially when it seemed like I was doing horrific medical test after horrific medical test without any significant results, until I received a call from my Stake Patriarch who told me that, if we are following God’s commandments, whatever happens is a step forward. That became my motto and I tried to be as happy as possible with God’s plan for me.
I felt like I needed to share how I managed to make peace with my early homecoming, which was without doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to serve a mission. When the announcement was made I had just barely turned 19 and I started my papers that day and finished them within the week. I reported to the Missionary Training Center in January and everyone told me that missions were supposed to be ridiculously hard, but rewarding. For me it had brief hard moments, but about 90% of the time I found it the easiest, most natural thing to do. I LOVED my mission more than just about anything. Last September, after weeks of collapsing and being hospitalized without any progress made on what was causing the debilitating pain, my beloved mission president, President Bowen, spoke with me and my parents and we all decided that I should consider going home. He didn't leave much choice up to me because I had been irresponsible with past choices and had forced myself onward and refused to tell people about the pain so that I could stay out on my mission. One of the sisters that I respected most spoke to me and told me that I needed to address the little nagging voice in the back of my head and get healed up so that I could someday play with my future children.
That hit me incredibly hard. I realized that I could be stupidly selfish and destroy my body by ignoring the pain, or I could figure it out and have more of a chance that I could be there fully for my children someday. I let down my wall of pride and prayed about it and knew that I was supposed to come home. I was sent home on my birthday and, at the airport where many are greeted by flowers and signs, I was greeted only by my beautiful mother and we cried and cried. I would continue to feel bad for myself, especially when it seemed like I was doing horrific medical test after horrific medical test without any significant results, until I received a call from my Stake Patriarch who told me that, if we are following God’s commandments, whatever happens is a step forward. That became my motto and I tried to be as happy as possible with God’s plan for me.
I would
continue through 8 months of agony and frustrating helplessness and mission trunkiness
before the problem was diagnosed. The problem has since been fixed, but what I
want to draw attention to is not the misery and the woe, but rather that God does
not forget his children. I have seen countless miracles and I want to share
some of them with you.
1. God opened up
doors. During the tests I asked for a priesthood blessing from my father
and during it, I felt impressed to have a particular test done that the doctor
didn’t think was warranted. I insisted and the nurse was checking for openings.
She told me that there wouldn’t be another opening for another two months. I
politely insisted that she check again, and a spot had opened up in the next
three days. This test did not tell us the main source of the problem, but we
were able to identify a different medical complication that was contributing to the issue and that could have been disastrous to find out later.
2. The Lord provides
a way for us to accomplish His commandments. I prayed and felt like I
needed to go back to college even though I could barely walk. The Lord provides
a way and I soon found an apartment right next to campus with incredibly
supportive roommates. So many people chipped in to help me, which was difficult
for me because I hardly ever accepted help. I realize now that it may have seemed
like I couldn't do anything for myself, but it genuinely took great patience to allow others
to help me at all. I am stubborn to a fault, but I am so grateful to all the miraculous
people who helped me, especially my parents. I somehow managed to go a whole
semester with a lot of limitations, but I still got the best grades that I have
yet to get in college thus far. I know that it was impossible, but God made it
a possibility.
3. He spared me.
I had only been home for a short time when I found out that my old companions
had been in a car accident and had been hit on the side where I normally sat. I
cannot fully say that I know for sure that I would have been hurt, but the car
was totaled, and I definitely think that there was a chance.
4. He put people in
my path. A while after I had been diagnosed with a problem with the hip
joint, my parents took a trip to Central America, and while searching for a
church to attend they ran into another woman visiting. My mother talked to her
and mentioned me. The woman told her that she had a daughter who had been a
dancer when the same thing happened to her. Her first surgery had made the
problem worse, so they visited a second surgeon and he completely fixed her up.
She gave my mom the information of the better surgeon, and his office happened to be about an hour
away from my house and, magically, he took my insurance. Because my parents
took the time to go to church while on vacation, they were ready for the person
that God placed there to help me get the care I needed.
5. He fulfilled his
promise. I was given a blessing on the mission that I wouldn’t be healed
until I understood the Atonement, or sacrifice, of Christ. I thought that that
meant I needed to repent and really try my very hardest to study the
Atonement. When I didn’t get better I decided that the blessing might have been
too complicated for me to get. However, right when I had my surgery and my
recovery I was still at the point when I would cry every time the mission was
brought up and I felt sad and bitter at times. It was brought to my attention
by a very wise person that it shouldn’t be that way. I realized that
understanding the Atonement meant that we needed to put our will in line with
God’s. It was at that point that I tried to start to do that, and I started
healing not only physically, but also that gaping hole in my heart that formed
when I was ripped away from what I loved has slowly started to heal. This has
been a MAJOR turning point in my life.
6. My favourite
miracle of all. When I came home I had no intention of dating. I was going
to go right back on my mission and no silly boy was going to stand in the way.
However, my zone leader from the mission started visiting me and after A FEW
WEEKS (I didn’t even think he liked me in the mission) we decided that we would
start dating even though we knew that I was planning on going back. He
patiently encouraged me to make the decision that God wanted me to make whatever it might have been, but I
mostly needed to focus on getting better before I could make any decisions. He was there for me when I broke down
and when I couldn't do things myself. He helped me more than I can possibly say
and I can never thank him enough for that. I began to realize that this might
be the path that God wanted me to go down: being with this wonderful man. This
was confirmed over and over again, and when we visited Anaheim, President Bowen
looked me in the eye and told me “He is the reason you served a mission.” If I
had come home at this time, we would only have had a few days before his family
moved to Wyoming and who knows if it would ever have worked out. Instead, I got to
probably be one of the very first girls to report their mission to High Council
with an engagement ring on their finger and I can honestly say that I’m with
God on this one, and I would never have it any other way for me.
Now, not all people are as lucky as I am when they come home
early from their missions. I realize that I am incredibly blessed, but the
point that I want to make is that there IS LIFE after hard things and even during
hard things. There is life during and after coming home from a mission early.
There is life during and after pain. There is life during and after when everything
you know changes. As I read in a pretty awesome kitchen, “It will all be okay
in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” God loves you. He knows your
difficulties and knows exactly what you need if you can bring yourself to align
your will to His and ask for help. This is not the end and there is nothing you
can’t do without your Heavenly Father backing you up. Never give up hope and
never stop smiling, because He knows EXACTLY what He’s doing. I can testify of
miracles and the love of God for each of His children, and I say this in the
name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
